I want to scream at everything I do not like. Feel the silence, the loneliness. And I do not know how, I know I will find happiness in being empty and full at the very same time, at the very same intense second.
It was a meaningless Tuesday, 4:00 pm. I found myself staring at a lifeless, dry being. I touched it, and my little finger started bleeding. I sucked it hard and the irony flavour of my blood ran through my mouth. I have always been afraid of this red thick liquid inside us. However, irrationally, I have an unusual, dangerous attraction to it. It blocks all of my senses. Fucking cactus. I do not know why the hell I have one in my room. As in every question I asked myself, I did not have an answer.
Perhaps it had been the cactus, and the stupid way an almost dead being –I had never taken care of it- reminded me I was alive, very much alive. And I seemed to be afraid of it. It is quite amusing how the things you fear the most are the ones which awake your senses. The most primitive part of your being comes to surface. I had an urge, I had to leave. I could not continue with an insane routine. I could not keep up with a life that had never taken me into account.
Half past four, Tuesday. At five I had an appointment with the dietician. At half six, I had my swimming lessons. When I got home I would have to go to the shop if I did not want to starve… Though I think my dietician would rather encourage me. I was on my summer vacation; I had a month and a half lying ahead of me, and nothing to do apart from being dead and sometimes managing to feel alive. Two years ago I started working as an English teacher in a high school. It was hell. Some of the kids were pretty good, but the great majority did not give a fuck whether I spent the class looking at my nails, or I told them that an asteroid would come and kill us all. They just did not listen. Nobody seemed to. My parents were quite proud of their almost perfect, yet too serious daughter. I had graduated in record time and I spoke four languages perfectly. I was working in a private and much prestigious high school and at the same time I was working on my PhD. Not too bad ah? However, I felt I did not want all these. I needed a break from everything meaningless. I am 23 years old, but it seems to me next September I am going to be 84. No beauty cream that can fix that.